Spring Training PED update

Don't hate me because I'm beautiful, hate me because I'm Alex Rodriguez.

Spring has sprung, and aside from flowers, rain and all that, spring means baseball. Old guys making bad analogies about re-birth, the life cycle and snow covered driveways. And baseball means Yankee minutiae, A-Rod and PED scandals.

Dr. Anthony Galea, the Canadian doctor who is a HGH user and doctor to several elite athletes including A-Rod, Tiger Woods, Carlos Beltran and others, claims that the HGH found in his medical bag during a border crossing was for personal use only and that he has never given athletes the drug.

Right.

The Yankees say that they never authorized Galea to treat Rodriguez. Yeah, I would think the team is probably not in the business of having their players, especially ones who are confessed PED cheats, work with doctors who tout the benefits of HGH use.

Galea says that he only treated Rodriguez with anti-inflammatory drugs. Sure. Whatever you say. You are being investigated by both Canadian and American authorities, you work with a guy who is a drug cheat (Rodriguez), you work with another guy who looks like an NFL safety instead of a PGA Tour player (Woods), but all you do is spin blood and pass out Advil. Why would anyone think differently?

Galea, some dude from Canada, is the only doc capable of treating these world class athletes? Not one guy in the entire US of A could prescribe A-Rod his Motrin? OK, if he says so.

This is bad for A-Rod, but much worse for Woods. We already know that A-Rod is a fraudulent player. He used PEDs, he confessed to using them after being cornered by a reporter, and anything he says is automatically suspect. Once a liar, always a liar.

Tiger never lies.

Woods went out of his way to deny steroid use during his press release, which was odd at the time, and gets more strange by the day. I thought you were there to talk about your pants always being off, not your alleged PED use. Anytime someone goes out of their way to deny something like that, it always makes me more suspicious. See: Clemens, Roger.

Galea is obviously more than what he claims. The list of celebrity athlete doctors is long and distinguished, guys like Dr. James Andrews, Dr. Frank Jobe, and many many others; men who have solid reputations and no hint of scandal or illegal drug use. But Dr. Galea is getting access to some of the world’s best athletes because he prescribes anti-inflammatory drugs.

If you believe that, then you probably also believe that A-Rod only used roids in Texas and that Tiger really was sincere at his press conference.

Joke.

Why Do I Feel for Iverson? #NBA

Things are not good for Allen Iverson. At all. He is done playing basketball for the season, if not for the rest of his life. He is dealing with his four year old daughter’s undisclosed illness. His wife has filed for divorce and now, according to reports, Iverson is an alcohol and gambling addict whose life is spiraling out of control.

Stephen A. Smith, of the Philadelphia Inquirer, wrote that according to people he has spoken to, Iverson "will either drink himself into oblivion or gamble his life away." That’s not good.

Iverson acknowledged that he was having a hard time, writing a series of tweets about his life...

"To my fans: You all know that my life isn't perfect. I am going through some very tough times right now, like I am sure that we all do from time to time," Iverson wrote. "However, I will stand tall like always with 'rhino' thick skin."

Iverson has had a disastrous season on the floor, and has been banned from several casinos. What do you have to do to get banned from a casino? I'm dying to know. There are also rumors that Iverson, who has made $153 million according to Basketballreference.com, is nearly busted financially.

So, with all the problems, all the reckless behavior, why do I have sympathy for the guy? Why am I pulling for the guy? If it were Kobe Bryant, I would be throwing a "Kobe's broke, let's celebrate party'. How does anyone have anything other than contempt for a guy who pisses away $153+ million? Short answer is, I don’t know. But I do.

Iverson is fascinating to me. He never once pretended to be anything other than what he was. A tough, uncompromising, street kid who was going to do it his way, and if you didn’t like it, you could go to hell. He didn’t practice, he thought he was above the rules of the team (he was), and then he went out in a game of giants, as a small man, and dominated.

Firing through $153+ million is inexcusable. That fortune should have been used to set up the Iverson clan for the rest of human existence, not left in casino coffers or at the bottom of a bottle of Cristal or whatever his drink of choice was.

But unlike so many other knuckleheads who wasted huge stacks of money (Antoine Walker, MC Hammer, John Daly), I don’t get angry when I think of Iverson’s failure. I get sad.

I don’t know why I hope he makes it out of this mess, a mess that he seems to have created all by himself, but I do. I was appalled by the way he lived his life, the choices he made, his attitude towards authority, and the ungodly amount of cash he wasted. I am fascinated that he is as uncompromising as he is and probably always will be. In a word, Iverson is authentic. Unlike Rodman, who was just trying to shock and make a buck, or Kobe Bryant who changes his persona as often as Tiger Woods changed his cell number, Iverson was true to himself from the beginning. A hard nosed guy with neck tatts, who truly doesn't give a damn what you, I, or anyone else thinks about his life.

Anyone who has the courage (stupidty?) to say “screw you, I am doing it my way, and my way includes losing $153 million’ is someone I can’t root against.

I don’t want the guy to manage my stock portfolio, or run a Laundromat for that matter, but I hope he comes out of this mess in one piece.

Antonio Cromartie: Average NFL Cornerback, Reproductive World Champion #NFL

Almost there.

By Brian Beckner:

Antonio Cromartie is a freak of nature, and no I’m not talking about athletically. Although, his reproductive achievements do demonstrate a certain athleticism, I mean, he clearly has an off-the-charts testosterone level. Under a microscope this guy’s sperm must look like millions of tiny little Jim Thorpes. His testes must be teaming with an army of Bruce Jenners, the gold medal decathlete not the aging lesbian. Rumor has it that Cromartie’s ejaculate will soon be featured on a Wheaties box.

By now everyone knows that Cromartie has lots of children. Lots. And lots of exes via whom those children were gestated. Let’s recap, it’s easy really. Three numbers: seven, six and five. Seven kids by six chicks in five different states. Oh, and he’s not even 26-years-old. That 109 yard interception return looks pretty mundane considering all the completions he has the bedroom. That has to qualify him for immediate induction into the procreative Hall of Fame. Reached for comment, Pope Benedict said it was probably time to think about utilizing a condom. Single celled organisms are jealous of this guy’s reproductive abilities.

Now comes word that Cromartie needed a salary advance from the Jets in order to cover some of the child support he owes. That’ll happen when you’re spreading seed faster than Monsanto.

From the NFL Network:

The Jets are converting part of Cromartie’s $1.7 million salary for 2010 into a bonus (roughly $500,000), which he would receive now, rather than waiting until September, when players begin to receive their game checks.

Which one are you again?

All of this comes after a season in which he intercepted a total of three passes, demonstrated a complete inability to wrap up - on or off of the field - and was alleged to have gone headhunting with a champagne bottle in a San Diego bar. Champagne? Are you an NFL player or the new chick on Sex and the City? Was it New Year’s Eve? Were they all out of Apple Pucker? Is there a shortage of bourbon in San Diego? Wasn’t there at least one male-approved beverage on the menu?

Antonio, your earning potential is limited. The average NFL career is over before it begins. You have already made it your mission to single-handedly repopulate the planet by fathering a scant seven children by age 25. You are allegedly cracking skulls with weaponized sparkling wine, and your performance on the football field has been lackluster at best.

Here’s a list of things to do in the near future:

1. Hire a financial planner

2. Play football better

3. Buy lots of condoms

Oh, and think about switching to light beer, at this point it could only help your image.

2010 American League West Preview #MLB

By Brian Beckner:

Spring training baseball is popping off and while there are literally only three or four teams that even have a remote opportunity to win the World Series, it’s fun to acquiesce to delusion and preview them all as though they do in fact have a chance.

Has anyone noticed that this division has only four teams? And one of those is Texas?

Los Angeles Angels – No matter what they say the Angels have an LA inferiority complex. And now despite the fact that the Angels are a better organization with a better owner, and a strong manager (and legendary Dodger) they still find themselves toiling in perpetual second fiddledom, which is either pathetic or hilarious depending on your perspective. This year they signed Hideki Matsui because while they trail the Dodgers in every measure of success, no team can touch them in the DH with the most unsightly earlobes contest. The Angels are trying to retool on the fly after losing John Lackey, Chone Figgins and Grandpa Vlad in the off-season. Despite a lackluster off-season the Angels still probably have the personnel to contend for a pennant. And while Mike Scioscia is a great leader, as a Dodger he could actually fit into a jersey.

Texas Rangers – The Rangers, as usual, can’t pitch. Of course, who could in the 800 degree Texas heat? What they can do, what they can always do, is hit. This year they signed Vladimir Guerrero who moves like a wounded zebra but still occasionally hits balls 500 feet. Does 80 pounds of pine tar actually improve bat speed? Are the Rangers going to win the World Series? No. Are the Rangers going to win the AL West? No. Are the Rangers going to start the season with a shortstop named Elvis? Hell yes.

Seattle Mariners – The Mariners started the off-season with the gift of Kenji Johjima walking away from a $16 million guarantee. Of course fresh from that windfall they immediately guaranteed someone called Chone Figgins $36 million. You know it was a weak free agent class when Chone Figgins is considered a prize. On a side note: doesn’t Chone Figgins sound like an old-school social disease? “How was your trip to the Philippines?” “It was great, but I picked up a wicked case of the chone figgins!” In what has to be considered the boldest move of the off-season, the Mariners snatched up Cliff Lee when the Phillies upgraded to Roy Halladay. Lee coupled with Felix Hernandez gives the Mariners a scary left-right combination that immediately makes them pennant contenders, assuming no one comes down with a case of chone figgins.

Oakland Athletics – Apparently “Moneyball” means fielding a team with like three players anyone has heard of. That’s assuming you’ve heard of Jack Cust? He’s the one with all the strike outs. The A’s unfortunately play in an antiquated football stadium and no amount of on base percentage can fix a team without any revenue. Billy Beane, whatever you think of his philosophy, continues to do a lot with a little. But really who wouldn’t look good in comparison to the other dopes currently pulling checks as MLB GMs? Beane’s rabbit in the hat this season is some dude that used to be Ben Sheets. Beane gambled on damaged goods no doubt thinking he’ll be able to spin him into a couple of prospects mid-season. For Beane’s sake let’s hope Sheets returns to form, because let’s face it the next Scott Hatteberg is not walking through that door.

Tiger Cell Phone Issues #PGA

Hey, it's Tiger, I need you to do me a huge favor.

Put Mark Calcavecchia at the front of the line on guys that Tiger will never speak to again.

Calcavecchia is the first person to go on the record saying that Tiger was acting strangely before he turned from ‘world’s greatest athlete’ into ‘TMZ target #1’.

From Golf.com:

"I didn't really think about it, but in the course of last year he changed his number five times," says Tiger's one-time texting buddy Mark Calcavecchia. "The last time he did, I said, 'Man, you change phone numbers more than I change underwear.'"

Nice knowing you Calc. We all know that Tiger is so forgiving. He will let that one slide, I’m sure. Tiger always likes it when people make him look bad. That’s why he has so many close friends on tour, because that is the sort of guy that he is.

Calcavecchia continued...

"I did know of a girl he was seeing in Phoenix," he says. "But I didn't know the time frame. I didn't know if it was before or after he was married that he was with her. I knew it was close. It was 2004 sometime. I didn't think much of it then..."

Perfect. I don’t think Tiger will be hitting you back with any more texts Calc. Tiger holds grudges from grade school, but you clowning him for changing his number and maybe for having a side woman in Phoenix should go over very well. I'm sure he’s laughing right now.

Golfers are athletes.

You wonder if this is how it is going to go from here in relation to Tiger and his fellow pros. Are they going to start saying, ‘you know, now that I think about it, the fact that he was in Vegas every other weekend was kind of weird. I always thought it was kind of strange that he liked to watch Tool Academy alone. Makes a lot more sense now.’

Trust me, Tiger learned the cell phone dance. He isn’t going to have to change his number anymore. I am sure he is going to show up at all Tour events with a bandolier full of cell phones strung across his shoulders. One for Elin, one for his agent, one for his friends, and one for , uh you know, other friends.

Tiger isn’t stupid. He isn’t going to three putt the cell phone trap again.