The Case for a Celebratory Specialist

By Brian Beckner:

Modern sports have become so specialized that it’s almost impossible to find a player in any sport that does two things anymore.  After the designated hitter (is my man Harold Baines in the Hall of Fame yet?) hit the scene the floodgates were open.  These days we have the nickel back (not to be confused with those hot Canadian chart-toppers you’ve been seen pumping your dorky fist to in traffic), LOOGY (Hong-Chih Kuo!) and the all-important goon (thoughts and prayers to the Probert family).

The time has come for a new specialization in all sports – the designated celebrator.  Athletes make too much money and organizations have too much on the line to have their investments injured by an errant champagne cork, or in this case shaving cream masquerading as baked goods.  Forget the third-down back, this could be the most necessary of all the new-school “specialists.”

From the Miami Herald:

Chris Coghlan might require surgery for a left knee injury he sustained on Sunday when he pied a teammate in the face following a walkoff victory on Sunday. Coghlan was placed on the 15-day disabled list after an MRI revealed he tore the meniscus cartilage in his left knee.

The tipping point was probably Kendry Morales unfortunate tibia-cracking plate leap (judging by this dude’s physique, I’m guessing it wasn’t the first time he hurdled out of control towards an awaiting platter), but at least he was the guy that got the big hit.  Coghlan was only the congratulator in this celebratory snafu, and honestly, the old pie in the face?  Who the hell thinks still thinks this is funny?  Is this guy a MLB player or the next Shemp Howard?

Had Major League Baseball instituted a designated celebrator rule, this could have all been avoided.  Just picture it, as Morales waddled around third base Angels manager Mike Scioscia could have called time and sent the clubby or the bullpen catcher out to style a wicked dish dive.  And if that guy pops a hammy, well, who cares?

50 Highest Paid Athletes

Sports Illustrated published their list of the 50 Highest Paid Athletes this week.  While all of the numbers are staggering, some jump out more than others.  Random thoughts on who makes what and why....

Number 1: Tiger Woods.  $90.5 million.  Never mind that this number is $22 million lower than the previous years; shouldn’t this top spot be shared by soon-to-be ex-wife Elin?  At least half of that is hers.

Number 3: Floyd Mayweather Jr.  $60.2 million.  Of the $60.2 million, only the ‘.2’ of it came via endorsements.  Translated:  No one likes this guy.  No one.  Then again, why would they? Arrogant, obnoxious and loud.

Number 11: Matthew Stafford.  $26.9 million.  Say what?  The quarterback of the team that embodies hopelessness and suckitude, just barely missed the top 10?  How did JaMarcus Russell not make the top 15?  Oh, that’s right, he used it all on codeine syrup.

Number 20: Albert Haynesworth.  $24.6 million.  Haynesworth is unhappy in Washington and would like to leave.  He is number 20 and he is unhappy.  Think about that.

Number 22: Jermaine O’Neal.  $23 million.  Jermaine O’Neal would have to get a lot better to be considered a ‘role player’, yet he is one of the Top 25.  Makes sense.  And people wonder why fans are so hostile towards athletes.

Number 24: Tracy McGrady.  $22 Million.  I have nothing to say here.  Look at the name and then the number; that says it all. 

Number 26: John Lackey.  $21.7 million.  I like Lackey; a lot in fact.  The guy competes every single time he takes the ball.  I saw him pitch dozens of times here in California and admired his ability and competitiveness.  The following phrase has never been uttered, “Hey, John Lackey is pitching tonight, let’s go out to the yard and watch!”  John Lackey makes $21.7 million.

Number 28: Darrius Heyward-Bey.  $21.5 million.  Look at that again and try not to laugh.  Pretty hard to figure out why the Raiders are the worst run team in football, huh?

Number 42: Tyson Jackson.  $18.2 million.  First question, who is Tyson Jackson?  Answer, the KC Chiefs' defensive end who had Z-E-R-O sacks last year and ranked 10th in tackles on an eleven- man defense.

Number 44: Jimmie Johnson.  $17.3 million.  The 48 (NASCAR talk!) is the bizzaro Tyson Jackson.  He is the four-time defending series champion, the heavy favorite to make it five in a row (three in a row was the previous series record), and is a marketer's dream.  How is he not in the Top 10?  He is the only one on the list who I feel is getting screwed.

Friday FACTS. #fact

Facts on a Friday. Remember, these are not one man’s opinion, but rather indisputable, iron clad, unassailable FACTS.

Minnesota Timberwolves GM, David Kahn defended his decision to trade for Michael Beasley by saying, "He's a very young and immature kid who smoked too much marijuana and has told me that he's not smoking anymore, and I told him that I would trust him as long as that was the case." FACT. Well good, as long as he told you he is done smoking weed, that should be good enough. I look forward to Beasley’s next Twitter suicide note and Kahn’s inevitable firing. FACT.

Players in the NBA looooove to smoke weed. FACT.

Former Dallas Cowboys coach, Jimmy Johnson will be a contestant on Survivor. FACT. I once used a urinal next to Jimmy Johnson, and watched as he meticulously fixed his hair while urinating. FACT. This encounter is in my all-time Top Five celebrity encounters list. FACT.

Alabama head coach, Nick Saban compared NFL agents to ‘pimps’. FACT. Nick Saban uses cheap talent, abuses their bodies until they can’t be used anymore, keeps all the profits for himself, tells his ‘employees’ that he is doing them all a favor and they should be grateful for his generosity, and turns and burns the product every couple of years in favor of new fresh meat. Saban is more of a pimp than an NFL agent will ever be. FACT.

MLB teams are wary of making a deal for Prince Fielder for fear that his agent, Scott Boras won’t allow Fielder to sign a long term extension. FACT. Prince Fielder is obese and is well on his way to being Mo Vaughn, only with fewer trips to the strip joint. FACT.

The McCourts continue to be the most reprehensible people in southern California. FACT. Kobe Bryant lives in southern California. FACT.

Mike Garrett is out as USC athletic director and has been replaced by Pat Haden. FACT. The clock has officially started on Lane Kiffin before he has even coached his first game. FACT. Garrett would have let Kiffin be Kiffin, grease and all. Haden won’t. FACT.

Chris Paul is unhappy in New Orleans and wants to be traded to a contending team. FACT. NBA players teaming up and/or demanding trades to teams that include their friends is very stupid and very bad for the league. FACT. I blame LeBron James and ‘taking his talent to South Beach’ for this.

If, when deciding where to go to dinner, you have ever uttered the phrase, “Let’s go to Applebees,” we can never be friends. FACT.

Juan Samuel is the manager of the Baltimore Orioles. FACT. I didn’t even know that Juan Samuel was still alive, much less managing in the big leagues. FACT. The Orioles are a MLB team in name only. FACT.

Starbucks coffee does things to me that I consider unpleasant. FACT.

MLB will begin testing for HGH in the minor leagues. FACT. It will have zero impact on HGH use in the major leagues. FACT. Players will always cheat. FACT.

Notre Dame and Miami will begin playing each other in college football again in 2012, after a 22 year break in the rivalry. FACT. It won’t be nearly as entertaining as the ‘Catholics V. Convicts’ games of the late 1980’s. FACT. Neither team is as good or as relevant, and Luther Campbell doesn’t have a sideline pass and a bag full of cash anymore. FACT. The 1980's Miami Hurricanes were a once in a lifetime combination of talent, crime, arrogance, winning, and hostility. FACT. I miss them. FACT.

Someone broke into NBA player/lunatic Stephen Jackson’s home with a gun, locked his wife in a bathroom, and stole items from the home. FACT. Someone didn’t know who lived in that house, because you DO NOT mess with Mr. Jackson. He is not a peace maker. FACT, confirmed by David Stern.

SportsCenter is using bizarre camera angles and anchor placements during broadcasts. FACT. I do not need to see Robert Flores on the catwalk above the set looking down on me like a gargoyle in a bell tower. FACT.

SportsCenter is running their 'My Wish' series this month, featuring sick children. FACT. These absolutley kill me. FACT.

The Replay with @seancablinasian and @jharrisfootball

Each week we get the opportunity to chat live with Sean and John of Houston's 1560, The Game. For the replay - click here

Dodgers Disaster #MLB

Dodger blogs, SportsCenter, and anyone else who writes/talks about sports is piling on Don Mattingly this morning for tanking his trip to the mound last night against the Giants.

Mattingly, who had taken over as manager after Joe Torre got ejected, made a trip to the mound to talk to All-Star reliever/eater Jonathan Broxton in the ninth. Broxton was in the process of gagging a Dodger lead and was facing a bases loaded situation.

Mattingly spoke to Broxton, stepped off the dirt surrounding the mound, and then returned to the dirt to answer a question from uber-slappy James Loney.

Giants' manager Bruce Bochy, who knows his way around rule book minutiae, immediately went to the umpire, pointed out that Mattingly leaving the dirt and then returning constituted two trips to the mound and not one, and the umpires forced Mattingly to remove Broxton from the game.

BF George Sherrill, who is so bad that not a single MLB team tried to claim him off waivers earlier in the week, presumably put down his meatball sub, came into the game, promptly surrendered three runs, and the Dodgers went on to lose the game, their sixth straight.

While stupid, this is not on Mattingly. This does not mean that he is incompetent or that he shouldn’t be the next manager when Joe Torre leaves town. What it means is, Bruce Bochy actually won a game for his team.

That never happens. Managers don’t win games. Managers deal with egos, deal with the media, and fill out line-up cards. They change a pitcher, call a hit and run or a double steal, but at the end of the day, the players decide who wins and loses.

Not last night. While the move may be considered horse-bleep by some, it worked. Broxton could have escaped that jam; Sherrill only eats jam. Getting Broxton out of that game was a masterstroke, even if it was a bit weak.

The Giants don’t have a single player that is ‘must-see’. They don’t have one offensive player who is going to keep you in your seat and away from the beer line. Their only chance to win is if their manager can catch someone on a technicality and that is what he did last night.

Bochy’s eight inch head is stuffed with baseball rules and he is going to use every last one of them to win a game if he has to, and why the hell not?

Don Mattingly may have that very 'this was cool in 1997' soul patch working, and Joe Torre may have all those World Series rings courtesy of Derek Jeter, but the guy with the giant melon just played them both.

And one last observation. Tim Lincecum, the joke is over. The 'emo' look may have been OK when you were racking Cy Youngs, not so much when you are getting beat up more often than not. Find a barbershop.