Media Shills Laud Tiger Woods’ Announcement, Seriously #PGA

Great job Tiger. Can we talk book deal?

By Brian Beckner:

While Tiger Woods absurd and uncomfortable statement was roundly mocked for the truly bizarre and surreal scene that it was, for some dopey media types - it was completely effective.

Take colossal blowhard, and guy-that-puts-you-back-to-sleep-on-Sunday-mornings with-the-other-self-important-newspaper-relics-on-the-Sports Reporters, Mike Lupica, whose reaction spent nearly 800 words caressing the delicate remnants of Woods shattered ego including ramping up the hero worship with his hyperbolic nonsense.

“That was the best of it from Woods, wherever it came from, on this day when he began to fight, in the most public way in sports history, to get his good name back.”

Right. The guy that has been in seclusion since dodging flying Sasquatch drivers on Thanksgiving, the guy that just spent 13 minutes awkwardly explaining that he and his wife would work things out privately is staging the greatest public reputation reclamation since Steven Seagal became a fat cop. Way to read between the lines, Mike. Although doesn’t it kind of seem like he’s doing exactly the opposite of what you’re saying? Are there multiple meanings for the word “public?” Oh, he also said that he didn’t know when he was going to play golf again. Literally the only thing he does in view of the, you know, public.

Brother, can you spare an biography?

Not to be outdone in the Please Let me Write Your Memoir sweepstakes is none other than ESPN.com’s resident kook Rick Reilly who looked at that uncomfortable display and decided that Tiger looked, of all things, “human?” Honestly, has anyone ever looked less human? The Burger King is more animated. C3P0 emotes more convincingly. If that’s the human version of Tiger Woods, imagine what the cold, detached, unfeeling version is like? Would that just be a 220 pound piece of granite with a receding hairline standing at the podium?

But as much as those dudes embarrassed themselves with their glowing pseudo-analysis and general suckupery, they pale in comparison to someone called Michael Bamberger, Senior Writer, Sports Illustrated, who somehow watched that announcement and saw it as, get this, Tiger’s triumphant return to Sawgrass, a transcendent moment in the incredible career of a “hyper-articulate” golfer.

From Golf.com:

“When he finally did emerge from behind that blue curtain, after three months out of the public eye, my first thought was, "It's good to see him." Tiger Woods has been an important part of my life for 16 years now. If your feelings about golf are more than casual, you might feel the same thing.

He looked different. Pale and burdened and smaller than normal. Unsure where to look. He sounded different, too. Tiger is almost hyper-articulate. You can put his on-the-fly quotes straight in the paper, and the verb and the subject always agree.”

Get it? He’s not only good at golf, he could totally teach freshman English.

Congratulations Mr. Bamberger, you are officially the biggest ass-kisser in the history of humanity. Feel confident Sir, as in no way are you an embarrassment to your profession. And while no reader can stomach your frothy prose, Tiger certainly appreciates the warmth of your supple lips against the cheeks of his ass.

Well done gentleman, and by no means should you feel any sense of embarrassment in the company of your peers. Of course at this point your peers would include Jaimee Grubbs, Joslyn James and Rachel Uchitel. Fine company indeed.