Posted by Brian Beckner on Mar 9, 2010

Antonio Cromartie: Average NFL Cornerback, Reproductive World Champion #NFL

Almost there.

By Brian Beckner:

Antonio Cromartie is a freak of nature, and no I’m not talking about athletically. Although, his reproductive achievements do demonstrate a certain athleticism, I mean, he clearly has an off-the-charts testosterone level. Under a microscope this guy’s sperm must look like millions of tiny little Jim Thorpes. His testes must be teaming with an army of Bruce Jenners, the gold medal decathlete not the aging lesbian. Rumor has it that Cromartie’s ejaculate will soon be featured on a Wheaties box.

By now everyone knows that Cromartie has lots of children. Lots. And lots of exes via whom those children were gestated. Let’s recap, it’s easy really. Three numbers: seven, six and five. Seven kids by six chicks in five different states. Oh, and he’s not even 26-years-old. That 109 yard interception return looks pretty mundane considering all the completions he has the bedroom. That has to qualify him for immediate induction into the procreative Hall of Fame. Reached for comment, Pope Benedict said it was probably time to think about utilizing a condom. Single celled organisms are jealous of this guy’s reproductive abilities.

Now comes word that Cromartie needed a salary advance from the Jets in order to cover some of the child support he owes. That’ll happen when you’re spreading seed faster than Monsanto.

From the NFL Network:

The Jets are converting part of Cromartie’s $1.7 million salary for 2010 into a bonus (roughly $500,000), which he would receive now, rather than waiting until September, when players begin to receive their game checks.

Which one are you again?

All of this comes after a season in which he intercepted a total of three passes, demonstrated a complete inability to wrap up - on or off of the field - and was alleged to have gone headhunting with a champagne bottle in a San Diego bar. Champagne? Are you an NFL player or the new chick on Sex and the City? Was it New Year’s Eve? Were they all out of Apple Pucker? Is there a shortage of bourbon in San Diego? Wasn’t there at least one male-approved beverage on the menu?

Antonio, your earning potential is limited. The average NFL career is over before it begins. You have already made it your mission to single-handedly repopulate the planet by fathering a scant seven children by age 25. You are allegedly cracking skulls with weaponized sparkling wine, and your performance on the football field has been lackluster at best.

Here’s a list of things to do in the near future:

1. Hire a financial planner

2. Play football better

3. Buy lots of condoms

Oh, and think about switching to light beer, at this point it could only help your image.