Posted by Travis Rodgers on Mar 15, 2010

Bye Bye Fat Rex #NFL

Do they have a lap band procedure for fingers?

He thought he could sneak it in while no one was looking. He thought he could get this done while the entire sporting world was obsessing about championship basketball and their brackets. Rex Ryan thought he could pull a fat one. I mean fast one.

Jets head man, and the top seed in the Fat Coaches Poll, has decided to get gutted. According to reports, Ryan underwent lap band surgery on Saturday in an effort to get his morbid obesity under control. That sucks.

What made Ryan so appealing was that enormous gut. What made him different from all of the other head coaches in the NFL was his refusal to be like everyone else. While the rest of the league is fit, Ryan looked like he was about to burst. While some of the coaches in the league looked like they could still take the field (Jack Del Rio and Mike Tomlin) Ryan looked like he would erupt in a shower of tacos and cheesesteaks if one more call went against his team.

According to the NY Daily News:

The surgery entails placing an adjustable gastric band around the upper part of the stomach. It makes the stomach smaller so it holds less food. Eventually, the appetite decreases, leading to weight loss.

Translation: They are placing a batting donut around his stomach in an effort to dam the flood of calories that he pours down his throat every day.

Boiler, no more.

I suppose it is a good idea that he has decided to try and get his 4-bills under control...for him. I would hate for the guy to lose a foot or have a massive coronary on the sidelines, but it is a sad day when the NFL doesn’t have anymore 400 pound head coaches.

What is going to be especially jarring is the first time we see Ryan come training camp. He will have dropped a significant amount of weight, and he will take on that bizarre ‘shrunken man’ look that all lap band people get. Ryan will look like someone deflated a Rex Ryan balloon. His skin will flap all over the place (keep your eyes on his neck and triceps area), and his head will seem oddly enormous.

Does he even continue to eat real food, or does he have to put all his grub into a Cusinart? Does he just eat from that machine they used to feed Robo-Cop?

And once he is down to a more reasonable weight, will he have some sort of tooth reduction procedure? The guy's china is already abnormally huge even when buried behind his fifth chin. What are those things going to look like when his face isn’t the size of a hubcap? He is going to need to break out a belt sander and get those things down to size or it will look like he has a picket fence stuffed in his mouth.

Good luck with the program Rex, I already miss the other guy.