Roethlisberger Issues Statement About His Pants #NFL

Big Ben Roethlisberger managed not to sexually assault anyone last night, errr, go bar hopping, and instead issued a statement saying that he will accept NFL commissioner Roger Goodell’s 6-game suspension.

"The commissioner's decision to suspend me speaks clearly that more is expected of me. I am accountable for the consequences of my actions. Though I have committed no crime, I regret that I have fallen short of the values instilled in me by my family. I will not appeal the suspension and will comply with what is asked of me – and more.

"Missing games will be devastating for me. I am sorry to let down my teammates and the entire Steelers fan base. I am disappointed that I have reached this point and will not put myself in this situation again.

"I appreciate the opportunities that I have been given in my life and will make the necessary improvements."

First off all, whoever wrote that for him deserves a raise. Well done. Second, I don’t believe that Roethlisberger believes any of that for a second, other than the part about missing games will be devastating.

If he isn’t on the field, that means he doesn’t make money and continue to be famous. If he doesn’t have fame and money, then he can’t go to college bars and allegedly assault women and then buy his way out of potentially disastrous situations. If he doesn’t get to play, then the regular rape and assault laws would apply, and frankly, that wouldn’t be good for him.

You get one free pass. One. One time people will say, ‘You know what. He’s OK. Bad night, maybe the woman was up to no good, maybe he really didn’t do anything.’ You have used your one, and then some, and now you get to sit for six games.

Make sure you keep the speech writer on staff, because if you go down again, you are going to need him/her to write a statement on your behalf. Only this time it won’t be before the press and Steeler fans, it will be in front of a judge at your sentencing hearing.

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