Posted by Brian Beckner on Jul 2, 2010

Michael Vick is Off the Hook, Just Ask Him

By Brian Beckner:

Everybody can relax. It’s time for us to stand down. Chillax, it’s no biggie. Michael Vick had nothing to with that shooting at his birthday party. How do we know that? He told us.

Here’s a portion of Mike Vick’s statement courtesy of Philly.com:

"On June 25, 2010 I attended a birthday party held in my honor at The Guadalajara’s Restaurant in Virginia Beach, Virginia.

"After I left the event, I learned that a man was shot outside the restaurant.

"I want to assure everyone that I had nothing to do with that incident. I left the restaurant prior to it occurring and did not witness what happened.

Alright then, that’s that. Thanks for sorting that one out Mike. Let’s get ready for minicamp.

How this guy has not been cut yet is beyond comprehension, and the Philadelphia Eagles will regret their grievous error. What he did is disgusting. The dog raping and electrocuting was pretty bad, but this sickening. Running around calling yourself Ron Mexico, so you can freely deposit herpes upon unsuspecting Atlanta party girls (ALLEGEDLY) was super uncool.

Sure, Mike Vick is a convicted felon. Sure, one of his co-defendants caught some lead. But the real crime here is a 30-year-old man having a birthday party for himself.

What kind of depraved individual throws his own birthday party? Is he seven? Was there a jumpy house? Did the kids play laser tag?

Seriously, if you are over the age of 12 and you consider your birthday a day for celebration, you have deep-seated emotional issues. Birthdays are for children and chicks. Breaking news: No one cares about your birthday, guy. It’s just another day on the calendar. You’re one day closer to death, period. Or in Vick’s case, one day closer to a contract as a back-up punt returner for the Alouettes, Argos or one of the Rough Riders.

For Michael Vick, the shooting is incidental to the real criminal behavior that occurred at that club. A 30-year-old man had a birthday party for himself...on purpose. He wasn’t kidding. Roger Goodell and Andy Reid should have been standing at the door to the club with Vick’s separation papers in hand, based on violating the childish narcissism clause that should be standard in every NFL contract. His probation officer should have been waiting with the plastic cuffs.

Oh, and by the way, Vick was 6 of 13 for 86 yards and a single touchdown last season. So he’s got that going for him, which is nice.

Enjoy your birthday Mike. Saskatchewan is supposedly lovely this time of year.