Posted by Travis Rodgers on Jul 13, 2010

Brazilian OJ Lecter

Tough time for the old Red, White and Blue. We can’t seem to catch a break in anything.

The economy is still faltering, unemployment is rampant, the gulf coast is covered in a giant oil slick, and we are still fighting two wars.

It’s gotten so bad that we can’t even keep titles that we have long considered our birth rights as Americans. Titles like ‘Worst Athlete Murderer in History’. OJ Simpson was the gold standard in that category. No matter how freaky other countries got with their sports, no one was going to take OJ down.

Wrong.

Meet Brazilian soccer goal keeper, Bruno Fernandes Das Dores de Souza . Let’s just call him ‘Brazilian OJ’ or ‘BOJ’ for short. BOJ, who was hoping to make the national roster for their 2014 World Cup that is going to be played in Brazil, fathered a child with Brazilian porno actress Eliza Samudio. BOJ, who is married, was worried that having a child with Samudio would hurt his chances of making the team in 2014, so he did what anyone named Rae Carruth, OJ Simpson, or Hannibal Lecter would have done if they found themselves in a similar situation.

He had Samudio strangled to death, then had her body dismembered and fed to a pack of Rottweiler dogs so no one would find the corpse. Yes, you did in fact, read that last sentence correctly. OJ just murdered a couple of people and let the cops clean it up. BOJ had his mistress devoured by dogs.

Wait, it gets worse, if that’s even possible.

According to AFP reports, when asked about the latest allegations, BOJ responded from prison, ““In the future, I’ll laugh about all of this.”

Of course, who wouldn’t? Whose first reaction to a missing woman, (the body has never been discovered) being reportedly fed to dogs wouldn’t be to laugh. It’s hilarious, no?

Truthfully, I don’t know the first thing about the Brazilian judicial system, I just hope, for Brazil’s sake, that they don’t have a Brazilian Lance Ito, or a Brazilian Marcia Clark, or a Brazilian Chris Darden. Because if they do, Brazilian Johnnie Cochran is licking his lips right now getting ready for the trial of the century.

If there is any justice in the world, Brazilian Jack Ruby is waiting in the wings.