Say It Ain’t So, Sumo #willeat

By Brian Beckner:

Things apparently aren’t going so well for Japan’s national pastime.

From the AP:

Sumo is more than a sport to Japan. It's like a religion, a bastion of traditional culture and a matter of national pride. Wrestlers aren't just athletes — they are icons, role models and, often, larger-than-life heroes.

Unless, of course, they are getting busted for smoking marijuana, breaking noses in drunken brawls or hobnobbing with gangsters.

And, these days, that's pretty much all the time.

Um, that’s it? That’s what they’re mad about? Have they heard of the NFL?

These types of “offenses” are required skills for players in today’s NFL. Get back to me when one of these “athletes” kills someone in a DUI, shoots up a “scrip” club or rapes a co-ed (ALLEGEDLY) (who are we kidding?).

How is it illegal to smoke weed in professional Sumo? Isn’t part of the deal being, you know, a larger individual? Doesn’t weed kind of help with the appetite? Does Sumo consider pakalolo a performance enhancer?

Here’s the worst part of Sumo (besides the omnipresence of sickeningly obese nude men). The new recruits are taken from their families as pre-teens to live in Sumo camps where they can be trained by the older “wrestlers,” and also serve as their man-servants. Does this strike anyone else as being a bit unsavory?

Look Sumo, we get it, you’re very old and traditional but times have changed. Stop having underage dudes sponge your folds. Stop hanging around with the Sopranos of Northern New Jersey. Stick to what you do best: consuming mass quantities of grub, rolling around naked with the other giant powdery fat dudes and dying at age 41.

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